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Not That Kind of Stepmom

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So there might be some truth to the Wicked Stepmother fairy tales after all:

*I once met a man whose memory of his stepmom was that she was very harsh and unkind.  As an adult he could still remember how difficult his relationship was with her.  Choked up, blinking back tears he would recall how she made him sit at the table and eat food he disliked, until one time he even threw up. He would recall how she was very loving to her own children but very hateful toward him.  As a grown man, this recollection still brought much hurt to him.

*I once met a child who was beside herself with sadness because she didn’t understand why her stepmom didn’t love her or at least like her. “What is wrong with me?  What’s so unlovable?”

*I met a grown woman who said she would have given anything to have had her stepmom say some positive things to her when she was a child.  As an adult, you could tell her heart still ached.

*I met a grown man who wondered why his stepmom tried to keep his dad away from him.  As an adult this was still confusing and upsetting to him.  Why would she have tried to keep them apart all of these years?

Stepfamily life can be rough for everyone, a stepmom included.  We stepmoms can deal with drama, custody battles, loyalty conflicts, outsider status, blending, and parental alienation.  Don’t forget, Rule Number One in the Stepmom Club – no judging of other stepmoms!  So, no judgment here, but in regards to my choices about the kind of stepmom I choose to be, the vision I have for my family, for the welfare of all of my kids….my vow is that I will not be that kind of stepmom.  My stepkids will know they had a place in my home and that they were loved (even if they choose not to love back or love in their own way).  I will not be the kind of stepmom who grows up kids to bear that kind of rejection and grief.  I will not be that kind of stepmom.

Today I am grateful for the stepmoms I know who are making AMAZING impacts in their stepkids’ lives.  Loving them, including them, making a place for them in their homes and in their hearts.

Proverbs 17:17 (NIV): “A friend loves at all times…”

What are you thankful for today?

 

 

 

The Outside Stepmom

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If you’re a stepmom, you know what “outsider status” means.  You know that you can often be lonely and not completely included in your own family, in your own house.  Sometimes even outright ignored when you’re standing right there in the room.  I’m not gonna lie:  after many years of being in a blended family…it still hurts my feelings every time.  Thankfully, with the blending process it happens less often now.

And maybe in the growing toward becoming a seasoned stepmom, one realizes that as much as it smarts, it’s just how stepfamilies are.  It’s an adjustment that stepmoms make as they learn that there are lots of people in the family with different relationships, perspectives, experiences, and emotions.  As a non-biological parent you just won’t be included as much (in most cases).  It’s just a reality.

Take this for example.  Stepkid says to stepmom:  “You can’t be in this conversation because it doesn’t involve you.”  Ouch.  My biological kids would never speak to me that way.  But (gulp), my stepkid is right!  Not every conversation should include a stepmom.  Sometimes the whole family should be included, sometimes just the biological parent(s), and sometimes there are conversations just between the stepkiddo and stepparent as the relationship grows.  But as a stepparent, I’m not entitled to enter into each part of my stepkids’ lives.  I’m to be given respect (and my husband makes sure that is known), but I’m not entitled to be in all parts of my stepkids lives. And that kinda sucks for me to be excluded.  And at the same time, my kids all deserve a special intimate relationship with their parents.  That should be preserved. And I don’t need to horn in on it, even when it smarts.

Today I’m thankful for my stepmom friends.  They get it.  They go through the same things.  And I’m so encouraged to see stepmom groups forming all over the country.  Power to the stepmoms for supporting each other!

Galations 6:2 (NIV):  “Carry each other’s burdens…”

What are you thankful for today?

 

The Best Stepmom Ever

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Mother’s Day was a few days ago.  I spent the day with my husband and our “ours” babies.  I thought about stepmoms and what their days might look like.  I’m sure some spent the day with their kids, their stepkids, or without kids.  Some had marvelous days.  Others perhaps didn’t.  Some were probably overlooked because they are not “real moms” (in the eyes of some).

One stepmom I know shared a certificate she received from her stepdaughter.  It said “Happy Mother’s Day.  Congratulations, your understanding and love have paid off, you are hereby awarded the Best Stepmom Ever award!”  I thought that was completely precious and wonderful.  As a stepmom, I know that gulf between where you are at one stage, and having your stepchild accept you and even love you, can seem miles wide. And I know for some, that level of blending and acceptance may still be far off.

Today I am thankful for the “real moms” and the VERY “real” stepmoms!  And most of all I’m thankful that no matter what, our hope is in God, not earthly, temporal, unpredictable, not ideal, circumstances.

Psalm 147:11 (NIV):   “the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love”

What are you thankful for today?

 

The Stepmom Club

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There’s a Stepmom Club, or there should be.  There are rules for the club:    1.)  Never judge another stepmom (we all have different situations and you haven’t lived a day in her strappy sandals); 2.)  Support one another.

I am inspired by the Stepmom Club.  When we were going through our difficult court days, we had prayers from other stepmoms.  We sought out our Prayer Warriors (those who took prayer very seriously, we knew we could count on them).  One stepmom even fasted and prayed with my husband and me.  Through the fasting period we saw amazing things happen in our life and our court case.  Things we never imagined possible.  We truly saw God’s hand.

Today I saw other women lending support to a stepmom who was very concerned about her stepchild.  The women gave advice like “Read Psalm 34 – all of it.”

Here’s an excerpt from Psalm 34:  4-7, 19-20 (NIV):

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.  This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.  The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them…The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.”

Today I am thankful for other stepmoms when they are brave enough to support one another and remind each other of God’s protection.

What are you thankful for today?

 

The Loving Stepmom

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I have to admit, there’s a lot I don’t love as a Stepmom.  How about these for a few:

* Schedule changes at the other house (and how they impact my plans again and again, ugh).

* Doing nice things for someone else’s kids (and often times getting the short end of the stick).

* Being an outsider in my own house (wow does that get old, hello I’m right here, I’m in this room too!).

*Not having as much control over my life as I used to (now there are parenting plans, people inside my house, people outside my house that all have a bearing on the day to day schedule).

But there are some things I do love.  I love that God has blessed me with a wonderful husband and a chance for a second marriage.  I adore our “ours babies”.  Here’s one more thing I think about a lot:  The great challenge to love people who don’t love you back.  Anyone can love their friends, family and people who love them back.  But I believe that God commands us to love one another, period.  John 13:34 (NIV) says “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”  And when I read this carefully I notice it does not say “Love one another…only those who are easy to love” nor does it say “Love one another…only those who are kind to you, respectful to you, and who love you back.”  God commands us to love one another, period.  It also says “as I have loved you.”  I’m pretty sure God has loved me on my not so nice days, my not so respectful days, and in my choosing sinfulness moments.  And that is humbling.

Today I am thankful for this challenge to keep loving others in imperfect circumstances.  What a great opportunity to try over and over to love others even when it’s not easy.

What are you thankful for today?

The Yogi Stepmom

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Today as I did my flow, warrior II, downward facing dog, child’s pose, plank…I pondered what yoga might have in common with the stepmom journey.  I love the acceptance in yoga.  The statements from the leader like “maybe today you are meant to just sit here in this room and rest and in that you will be practicing your yoga beautifully.”  And I can’t help but wonder if that’s what a stepmom’s journey should be like at times.  Just sit.  Just be.  Just rest in your place.  Rest in the storm.  And maybe, just maybe if you rest long enough and find peace & beauty in that storm….the 4-7 years of average adjustment will pass and a new beautiful chapter will arrive.

Today I am thankful for peaceful moments and letting myself off the hook from that pressure to do, do, do.  Learning to just be.

Psalm 46:10 (NIV) “Be still and know that I am God.”

What are you thankful for today?

The Imperfect Stepmom

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Today I ponder some Bible verses.  Philippians 4:8 (NIV) says “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  Oh how I wish my stepmom (and wife, mommy, daughter, sister, friend, employee) brain was always solely focused on such.  This is definitely a goal for me.  But if I’m really honest, this is not where I’m at some of the time. Sometimes I’m more focused on what is dark, something I can complain about or something that’s on my last nerve!

Then I think about Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”   Oh the missed opportunities to build people up.

And in Romans 7:19 (NIV) Paul admitted bravely “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”  We are saved by grace yet we continue to live with sinful natures in a sinful world.  And as a stepmom, most of us would probably agree that life and family matters are more complex and stressful that we ever anticipated.  And in the midst of that stress, I will admit I don’t always say and do the Perfect Stepmom Thing.  Oh how I wish I was perfect.  But, I’m far from it.  There are times I can focus too much on my missteps as a stepmom.  Probably not a great place to focus.  Probably more effective to make Phil. 4:8 and Eph. 4:29 my mantras….or tattoo them on my forehead!

Today I am thankful for these wonderful guides and I probably won’t go get a tattoo (as much as I’d love to) but I might just write these down and tape them to my mirror!

What are you thankful for today?

My Stepfamily Is So Normal….Said No Stepmom Ever

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Sometimes it can feel like a stepfamily is going in circles.  Parents struggle to establish boundaries.  Boundaries between the newly married couple and the kids; boundaries between the couple and the ex.  Dad feels that stress of keeping his bride happy and yet maintaining relationships with his kids.  Stepmom gets a crash course in “outsider” status. Learning that you are the outsider in your own house is definitely not fun. So, I did some reading.

One of my favorite stepfamily books is Becoming A Stepfamily by Patricia L. Papernow (2003 Gestalt Press). Papernow goes over the “Stepfamily Cycle.” Believe it or not, as messy as it all may seem, there are actually developmental tasks that stepfamilies try to accomplish in each stage. Reducing power struggles, figuring out roles, establishing those boundaries, letting go of fantasies about how a stepfamily should be, recognizing the sense of loss that stepfamily members can feel, stepmom finding her place in the family, making changes, forging relationships. This was great news to me. These difficult processes were important and needed to happen. And it wasn’t a linear process. We would go forward, and backward and forward again. And the best news of all: this expert said that the process normally took anywhere from 4-7 years on average. We weren’t weird or abnormal…this is what a stepfamily is supposed to go through.

As awkward or painful as it feels at times, I remind myself that these growing pains are relatively “normal” (if there is such as thing as a “normal” family) for 4-7 years. And for as tough as it’s been, I can honestly say that for our family things have evened out in our 4th year. Year four feels so much more peaceful than year one. Things are falling into place.

Today I am thankful that I’m learning to be comfortable in the discomfort.

Philippians 4:19 (MSG):  “You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need…”

What are you thankful for today?

The Thankful, Ergh…Frustrated Stepmom

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If you are a stepmom, you know how frustrating it can be.  For example, the other day when I dropped my stepkiddo off a bit late at school I asked the lady at the front desk where I should sign her in.  She replied, “well the ‘real parents’ sign over here…” (Oh, ouch, I wasn’t aware that I’m not real, thanks for letting me know).

Then there’s the lady who would not help me resolve a situation for my stepkiddo one day. However, when I conferenced my husband on the line, she helped him with every question and request he had.  (I think I’m catching on, he must be “real.”)

Or how about when a coach recently introduced me to some of the other moms.  They greeted me with big sports-mama smiles.  Then the coach clarified that I was the STEP-mom.  And I watched the smiles fall off their faces.  (How dare a stepmom invade our mommy club?)

I hear a lot of these stories from stepmoms.  There are mildly uncomfortable situations, annoying situations, and despair-filled, heartbreaking, overwhelming situations.  It’s a frustrating place to be.  There can be a lot of “I-feel-like-I-just-got-run-over-by-a-truck” kind of days.  It’s good to know that I’m not alone.  Often stepmoms are just trying to help kids get to and from school, to and from appointments, cook, clean, help with homework, do the laundry, and so on.  All for kids that are not her own.  It’s unfortunate that sometimes others can make it more difficult.  Nevertheless, I see the amazing things that stepmoms do to support and care for their stepkids.  I marvel at this.  These are some strong, brave women with really big hearts!

Today I am thankful that there is hopefulness amidst difficulty.  I am thankful for this hope that God promises.

Romans 5:3-5 (NIV) “but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

I’m also thankful that God provides rest for us weary stepmoms!

Matthew 5:28 (NIV) “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

What are you thankful for?

 

This Stepmom Has It All

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This stepmom has it all…or does she?  Ok, I admit that was intended to be an eye catching title.  Here’s how the real story goes.

Years ago I was venting to my dear friend about my stepfamily woes.  Probably went something like this, “This is not what I expected, we were supposed to be so happy.  This is the man of my dreams, but everything is so messy.  The kids adored me until I married their dad, now they want nothing to do with me.  There is so much stress with the ex.  Now we are being pulled into court.  I never knew this would be so stressful.  This is not what I signed up for…”  And on and on I went.

Then I came up for air, paused for my friend to add her empathic comments to confirm how dire my circumstances were.  And she said, “I always knew you’d have everything you ever wanted.”  (Cue noise of car coming to a screeching halt.)  Was she even listening to me?  Did she hear a word?  And then I remembered that this is my friend who sees a silver lining in everything.  She is uniquely gifted that she can see amazing things in very dark situations.  She can see God at work when others cannot.  She went on to say, “You have a wonderful husband, a home, and you finally have children! I always knew God would give you those things.”  And while my perspective was dark, she saw light and His hand in things.  What a huge lesson for me.

To this day, in times of trouble, my husband and I will look at each other, smile and say “I always knew you’d have everything you ever wanted.”  It reminds us to have perspective, to see the blessings in things, and to reframe tough situations as best we can.  Then we have a laugh together and know we’ll get through whatever has come our way.

Today I am thankful for a wider perspective.  An eternal, not temporal, perspective.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV):  “For I know the plans I have for you,  declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

What are you thankful for today?