So there might be some truth to the Wicked Stepmother fairy tales after all:

*I once met a man whose memory of his stepmom was that she was very harsh and unkind.  As an adult he could still remember how difficult his relationship was with her.  Choked up, blinking back tears he would recall how she made him sit at the table and eat food he disliked, until one time he even threw up. He would recall how she was very loving to her own children but very hateful toward him.  As a grown man, this recollection still brought much hurt to him.

*I once met a child who was beside herself with sadness because she didn’t understand why her stepmom didn’t love her or at least like her. “What is wrong with me?  What’s so unlovable?”

*I met a grown woman who said she would have given anything to have had her stepmom say some positive things to her when she was a child.  As an adult, you could tell her heart still ached.

*I met a grown man who wondered why his stepmom tried to keep his dad away from him.  As an adult this was still confusing and upsetting to him.  Why would she have tried to keep them apart all of these years?

Stepfamily life can be rough for everyone, a stepmom included.  We stepmoms can deal with drama, custody battles, loyalty conflicts, outsider status, blending, and parental alienation.  Don’t forget, Rule Number One in the Stepmom Club – no judging of other stepmoms!  So, no judgment here, but in regards to my choices about the kind of stepmom I choose to be, the vision I have for my family, for the welfare of all of my kids….my vow is that I will not be that kind of stepmom.  My stepkids will know they had a place in my home and that they were loved (even if they choose not to love back or love in their own way).  I will not be the kind of stepmom who grows up kids to bear that kind of rejection and grief.  I will not be that kind of stepmom.

Today I am grateful for the stepmoms I know who are making AMAZING impacts in their stepkids’ lives.  Loving them, including them, making a place for them in their homes and in their hearts.

Proverbs 17:17 (NIV): “A friend loves at all times…”

What are you thankful for today?

 

 

 

If you’re a stepmom, you know what “outsider status” means.  You know that you can often be lonely and not completely included in your own family, in your own house.  Sometimes even outright ignored when you’re standing right there in the room.  I’m not gonna lie:  after many years of being in a blended family…it still hurts my feelings every time.  Thankfully, with the blending process it happens less often now.

And maybe in the growing toward becoming a seasoned stepmom, one realizes that as much as it smarts, it’s just how stepfamilies are.  It’s an adjustment that stepmoms make as they learn that there are lots of people in the family with different relationships, perspectives, experiences, and emotions.  As a non-biological parent you just won’t be included as much (in most cases).  It’s just a reality.

Take this for example.  Stepkid says to stepmom:  “You can’t be in this conversation because it doesn’t involve you.”  Ouch.  My biological kids would never speak to me that way.  But (gulp), my stepkid is right!  Not every conversation should include a stepmom.  Sometimes the whole family should be included, sometimes just the biological parent(s), and sometimes there are conversations just between the stepkiddo and stepparent as the relationship grows.  But as a stepparent, I’m not entitled to enter into each part of my stepkids’ lives.  I’m to be given respect (and my husband makes sure that is known), but I’m not entitled to be in all parts of my stepkids lives. And that kinda sucks for me to be excluded.  And at the same time, my kids all deserve a special intimate relationship with their parents.  That should be preserved. And I don’t need to horn in on it, even when it smarts.

Today I’m thankful for my stepmom friends.  They get it.  They go through the same things.  And I’m so encouraged to see stepmom groups forming all over the country.  Power to the stepmoms for supporting each other!

Galations 6:2 (NIV):  “Carry each other’s burdens…”

What are you thankful for today?

 

Mother’s Day was a few days ago.  I spent the day with my husband and our “ours” babies.  I thought about stepmoms and what their days might look like.  I’m sure some spent the day with their kids, their stepkids, or without kids.  Some had marvelous days.  Others perhaps didn’t.  Some were probably overlooked because they are not “real moms” (in the eyes of some).

One stepmom I know shared a certificate she received from her stepdaughter.  It said “Happy Mother’s Day.  Congratulations, your understanding and love have paid off, you are hereby awarded the Best Stepmom Ever award!”  I thought that was completely precious and wonderful.  As a stepmom, I know that gulf between where you are at one stage, and having your stepchild accept you and even love you, can seem miles wide. And I know for some, that level of blending and acceptance may still be far off.

Today I am thankful for the “real moms” and the VERY “real” stepmoms!  And most of all I’m thankful that no matter what, our hope is in God, not earthly, temporal, unpredictable, not ideal, circumstances.

Psalm 147:11 (NIV):   “the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love”

What are you thankful for today?