blended family

The Scrooge Stepmom

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Let’s face it.  If ever there was a time when stepmoms have to balance a lot, it’s Christmas.  We have to balance:

* Expectations from our stepkids.

* Expectations from our husbands.

* Our feelings as an “outsider” at a time full of rituals that we may not be included in.

I’m about to share something with you.  But first, please remember rule number 1 in the Stepmom Club:  no judging!

Christmas gets dicey in our house too.  Yes, I have heard my stepkids proclaim with glee “I get two Christmases!”  And we have fun decorating our tree together.  I’m always wow’d at how amazing my stepkids are at decorating the outside of the house. But still, we have those moments.  You know the ones.  Where you feel like you’re not being treated well, not really visible, and kinda like a doormat.  Christmas can be tough for stepmoms.

And here’s the don’t-judge-me-part.  I admit that on more than one Christmas I have threatened to return all of the Christmas presents under the tree.  Yep, take them all back to the store.  That’s me….Scrooge.  Evil Stepmom.  Grinch?  The truth is, I have felt like I wasn’t treated well during a couple of Christmases.  And here I had been shopping for months, trying to make sure that Christmas was special for my stepkids.  I realized that there was a real inconsistency between the way I was being treated and my stepkids’ excitement about the gifts.  It wasn’t that I wanted to teach quid pro quo or tit for tat, but I did not want the lesson to be that you can treat someone unkindly and feel entitled to gifts.  After all, I am trying to help raise healthy kids who will someday be healthy grownups.  So I explained to my stepkids that if our relationship is so impaired, if this is the way you want to treat me, that’s fine.  It’s your choice.  However, when you treat someone this way, the other person doesn’t usually give a bunch of Christmas gifts to the person who is mistreating them.  So the Christmas presents can go back to the store.  This caught their attention.

In the end, each year we had apologies, reconciliation, and more humble hearts.   Every year things go more smoothly.  And I will never ever forget the first Christmas that one of my stepkids bought me a gift with her own money.  I treasure that.

So while I don’t recommend threatening to return all of your stepkids’ gifts, I do acknowledge that Christmas is hard for stepmoms.  I wish us stepmoms peace in the true meaning of Christmas.  Jesus was born on Earth to the Virgin Mary.  He came to rescue us.  That is true love from our Heavenly Father.  I am thankful that this is where I get my peace from, not from the status of my earthly relationships or the number of gifts under the tree.

John 14:27 (NIV):  “ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

What are you thankful for today?

p.s. this year we are focusing less on gifts and more on the real meaning of Christmas.  We are doing 3 gifts per person (wish us luck).

The Epicurean Stepmom

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I try to cook foods my kids will eat. For example, I know my toddler-aged “ours kids” will devour mac-n-cheese and applesauce. I know my teenage step kids will only eat certain veggies (broccoli and green beans), and please no weird sauces. Certain people in my house will only eat low carb (you know who you are!). In other words, no pasta or bread (my favs). Well, tonight I rebelled. After feeding the babies their baby-appropriate food, I moved on to cook (hope you are sitting down, wait for it, wait for it)…lovely squash ravioli with heavenly chicken sautéed with Italian herbs, and topped with a wonderful cream sauce. I paired it with pan seared brussel sprouts in a delightful red pepper, Parmesan and garlic infused oil. (Gasp! Not vegetables my step kids hate! Not carbs!) Needless to say the crowd was not thrilled. My husband even launched into “Supper Hero” (you know the one, the Veggie Tales song about the hero who comes to eat all the food no one likes).

There are times we do “dinner on your own” night where each person makes what they want. Tonight didn’t work that way.

I’m really not sure if tonight was an epic stepmom fail. It could have been. Or did I teach my family:

*You don’t always get your way, sometimes we have to let others get their wants and needs met too.
*It isn’t always about you, sometimes other people (like stepmoms) want a say in things too.
*Broaden your horizons, people! Try a new veggie!
*Appreciation of new foods, someday you’ll be all grown up in a nice restaurant on a date or at a business dinner and things might not seem so foreign because good old stepmom exposed you to new things.
*You will not die from eating brussel sprouts.

Who knows. Maybe it was strike three for me (oops I mean strike #338 by now, but who’s counting?). Luckily God has good plans, His plans are much better than mine, and this whole blended thing is going to work out just fine. I trust Him in that and am thankful that God is in control, not me.

Matthew 6:25-27 (NIV) says: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

What are you thankful for today?

The Empathic Stepmom

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My husband and I watched a movie tonight.  Not the kind with a happy ending.  This one told the story of a lady who was losing custody of her child.  It was heart wrenching to watch her lose custody. Yes, I cried my eyes out.  All while our “ours kids” and my stepkids lay soundly sleeping in their beds.  But then one of our “ours kids” woke up and called out for “Mommy.”  I will admit that I jumped out of bed, ran to her room and gladly cradled her and rocked her back to sleep, cherishing every moment.  Holding my babe was the perfect antidote to that sad movie!

It made me pause for a moment.  Many times I have wondered “What’s it like to be in her (the ex wife’s) shoes?”  Ok, not the stir-it-up, chaos-creating, interfering shoes.  But rather, the I-don’t-get-to-see-my-kids-everyday-anymore shoes.  After watching this movie maybe Hollywood provided me with a sliver of understanding, a sliver of empathy. Or maybe it’s that God has been softening my heart.

I Peter 3:8 (NLT) says:  “Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters.  Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.”

So today I am thankful that God shows us how to be empathic.  I’m thankful that God has been working on my heart.

What are you thankful for today?

The Empowered Stepmom

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We stepmoms have a lot to navigate.  We have a lot of uncertainty and questions.

Am I supposed to feel love for my stepkids?  How much love and when does this happen?  Is it a different love than I have for other people?  Is that ok?  And if they don’t even like me, am I still supposed to love them?

Am I supposed to be nice/forgiving/tolerant to my husband’s ex wife even though she has wronged us (and maybe continues to do so)?

Is it normal to feel jealous when my husband spends time with his kids?

Or maybe:  The fur is still flying, the battle lines are drawn, it’s cat-and-dog around here…and as a stepmom you’re not sure of your role.

In Philippians 2:13 (NLT), we learn:  “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.”

This is huge!  This means I don’t have to do this on my own.  I have a big God who is bigger than any problem, who actually helps me and empowers me to be the kind of wife, mom, and stepmom I am meant to be. He is working in me.

Today I am thankful that God is growing me.

What are you thankful for?

The Big Stepmom

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When blended family stresses arise, and I am tempted to give nastiness back, or give drama back, to whoever gave it to me.  In these times, my husband provides support with his wise words.  “You are bigger than that.”  And my world stops, I take a breath, I regroup, and realize he is right.  This stepmom is bigger than the ugliness that can be sent my way.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NKJV):  “Two are better than one… For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.  But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up.”

We did a lot of work, I mean a LOT of work, forming our house rules and boundaries when we first got married.  We had many “closed door meetings,” just me and my husband.  This went on for most of our first year of marriage.  It took dedication and a lot of discussion.  We discussed the vision we had for our family and how we would deal with stress.

Today I am thankful for this foundation and the support of my husband!

What are you thankful for today?

The Fed Up Stepmom

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As a stepmom does it ever seem like you have trouble heaped upon you?  (Are you laughing and saying to yourself, “yeah, all the time!”).  Stepmoms can be the target of anger from ex-wives, step kids and even their husbands.  There are a lot of emotions and different perspectives from each family member, and the ex, in the midst of the blending process.  There are great times in a blended family, then there are also difficult times.  A stepmom can get tired of the drama, the conflict, and the chaos.  What’s a fed up stepmom to do? When my husband and I are weighed down by negative things thrown our way, we turn to scripture.  Here are some Bible verses where we find rest.

We try to keep perspective.  It’s not really that any individual person is trying to harm us, we know the truth because the Bible says “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12 NIV).  This helps us focus our prayer where it needs to be, and avoid negative thoughts about any one person.

And we remember how the Bible tells us to treat those who hurt us.  Romans 12:20 (MSG) says “Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he’s thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don’t let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.”

Today I am thankful that I can get a heavenly perspective in a difficult situation.

What are you thankful for today?

The Airborne Stepmom

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I used to travel for work, at times traveling most of the month…and I was afraid to fly.  I found that reading the Bible during my flight really helped me reel in those fears.  My favorite verse while flying became Isaiah 43:2 (NIV):

“When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze”

In fact, this became a mantra that I would recite over & over on the plane.  I found peace in this verse knowing that God cares for us in all situations.  He guides us and protects us. And even during the “waters”, “rivers” and “fires” He comforts us.    Over time, I had more peace when flying.  I was able to focus on how amazing it is that God has blessed the pilot and flight attendants with amazing skills to care for the passengers.  I could look out the window and marvel at how God allowed this giant hunk of metal to be airborne.  I rested in knowing that God is ultimately in control of all things.  And I would stare at the amazing creations of God (the clouds, sunsets, corn fields, and mountains all beautifully visible from the plane window).  Flying became a time for me to be thankful and humble in God’s presence.

The other day as I pondered this, I realized the same mantra could be said by stepmoms such as myself. The stepmom journey can be filled with moments that are scary, bumpy, turbulent, unexpected and often out of our control.  And how wonderful is it to know that God cares for us in all situations, ultimately He is in control and has a beautiful plan.

What are you thankful for today?

Can This Day Just End Please?

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Ever have one of those days you wish would just end?  One of those days where you find yourself saying “can I get a do-over?” or “Calgon take me away?”   Today was one of those days for me.

Pink eye is going around my kids’ school and guess who got it…me!  And guess who had to go to business meetings with those pink scary looking eyes?  Yep, me.  (Picture people shaking my hands while cringing…that kind of thing).  Many people saw Bob Costas cover the Olympics on national TV recently while he had pink eye.  People have commented on how he handled that with grace and humor.  I will admit to sitting in business meetings this week praying “Dear God please give me the grace, humor and strength of Bob Costas because right now I just want to hide under a rock. Please God, help me be more like Bob Costas.”

As if it wasn’t bad enough, on my plane ride home while getting comfortable in my aisle seat, a man sat in the middle seat next to me. This man was a tall man, well over 6 feet tall. This was not going to be comfortable for him or us (sardines that we were, all packed in our aisle).  And then he opened his can of tobacco chew. Clearly he was planning to chew (and spit) during the flight.  Big chew/spit bottle in hand.  It was a clear plastic bottle so I could see all of that lovely spit and chew.  When we got up in the air he opened his spit bottle to spit and wouldn’t you know it, due to the air pressure changes, the bottle of tobacco and his spit sprayed all over me.  Yep, all over my face, hair, shirt, chair, and even in my food.  I was covered in chunks of his tobacco and his spit.

This is when I just wanted the day to end.  A do-over please.  Trust me, I realized that in the grand scheme of things this wasn’t major or tragic, but nevertheless I wanted this bummer of a day to end.   Me and my pink eyes and my tobacco crusted chest, we wanted an end to this day and new fresh start.

So today I am thankful that in stressful situations (big and small), during life’s valleys and heartaches, that God offers us rest.  Under His wings we can find peace and comfort that only He can offer.

Today I reflect on Psalm 91:4  “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”

What are you thankful for?

Aliens, UFOs and the Stepmom

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Some dear friends of ours went to a resort for a romantic getaway.  When they got there, they discovered there was a UFO convention there.  They said there were a lot of interesting people and events there.  I’m sure this wasn’t exactly what they had in mind when they scheduled the weekend at the upscale resort.  But I’m sure they made the most of it and had a wonderful time.

I can’t help but wonder:  what are the parallels in the Stepmom world?  Romantic newleyweds encountering “aliens” and “UFOs”?  Say no more, right?  As a stepmom one encounters a lot of strange situations and “aliens” that she hadn’t expected to.  If you are a stepmom and reading this, I bet you can think of lots of “aliens” and “UFOs” that you have had to gracefully deal with.  So many times you thought you were going to have a romantic evening with your husband but a UFO convention cropped up.

I’m thankful today that God gave me a wonderful spouse to weather storms….er….aliens and UFOs with.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12:  “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:  If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

What are you thankful for today?

The Heart of a Wicked Stepmom

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Sometimes I think I must have the heart of a wicked stepmom.  Maybe the fairy tales are true.  Or maybe I’m a sinful human being (just like everyone else) and I need a heart adjustment from time to time.   Maybe sometimes the stress isn’t about the ex or the kids or my husband or the visitation schedule or a lawyer bill or (insert blended family stressor here).  Maybe sometimes it’s a matter of my heart. I remember when my stepkids were young and my husband would talk with them about their hearts and sometimes the need for an attitude adjustment and a heart adjustment.  It was amazing for me to watch him speak to them about God’s word and then witness the transformation in the kids.  Ok sometimes it involved standing in the corner or taking the cell phone away.  But still.

Today I reflect on Psalm 51 v 3-4, 10:  “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.  Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight..Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

Today I am thankful for my husband who continually speaks God’s truths to me just when I need it and for God who continually forgives me and renews me.

What are you thankful for today?