Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day, SuperStepmom

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This morning I woke up to my kids jumping into my bed.  They woke up at 6:00 am (why can’t they wake up this early on a school day?).  They were excited for Mother’s Day of course.   And my heart delighted with my kids, my husband and I all snuggling in bed.  Precious moments.

And then the day unfolded.  “Stop poking your sister in the eye.”  “Stop taking your brother’s toys.”  “Please stop making that (annoying) noise.”  “For the fifth time, go put on shoes for church.”  “Mom, she poured juice all over the Mother’s Day presents I was going to give you!”  Tears, tantrums, time-outs.  All before 8:30 am.  I said to my husband, “Maybe next year on Mother’s Day I should spend the day alone, a nice quiet day to myself.”  To which he replied (with a smile in his eyes):  “I think Mother’s Day means you are supposed to spend the whole day with your kids.”

And then I remembered:  this is what I had always prayed for.  A godly husband and a house full of kids.  Warts and all.  Roller coaster ride that it is.

Being a mom calls for bravery.  Being a stepmom calls for some serious super powers.

These days my step kids are all young adults and out of the house.   But I remember those days when Mother’s Day wasn’t so easy and fun-loving.  I remember those daily struggles as a Stepmom.  Parenting someone else’s kids who never asked for this situation, who never asked for two houses, two set of rules, four parents, and gobs of half-sibs and step-siblings.  They could be prickly, and probably had every right to be.

Thankfully we can rely on Him for direction.

Joshua 1:9 (NIV) “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)  “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)  “So do not fear, for I am with you;  do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you;  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Today I am thankful that God tells us to be brave and strong and to trust Him.  Mothers and stepmoms sure need that encouragement!  He works all things for good (even when we cannot see His plan quiet yet).  (Romans 8:28)

What are you thankful for, you super hero Stepmom?

 

 

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Happy Mother’s Day Stepmama!

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Today I woke up and rolled over to find my deliciously cuddly four year old in my bed, sandy feet from yesterday’s shenanigans and all.  And I’m thankful.  Thankful for this crazy chaotic blended family life.  If not for the storms of blended family life, I would not have this great husband, these amazing “ours” kids, and the honor to love on someone else kids.

But let’s be real.  This is a mixed bag kind of day for women.  We’re rejoice in the great relationships with our children, stepchildren and our own mothers.  Simultaneously we mourn the children we have lost.  We mourn the relationships with bio kids, step kids, and parents that are not intact or not healthy.  Some of us mourn the loss of our own mother.

As I solemnly ponder this (with my back drop being one kid yelling “Mom!  Can you help me find my unicorn?” and another yelling “Mom, can I have cheeseballs for breakfast?”).   I think about the many reasons to NOT love your step kids (and then I talk myself and hopefully you out of that mindset should it ever understandably cross your mind.).

10 Reasons Not to Love Your Stepkids

  1. Your stepkid has wronged you.   Talk to any bio parent.  This is what kids do, they wrong their parents. They disappoint, they disobey.  This is not unique to step parenting.  Welcome to parenting 101.  You’re officially a real parent if your kids or step kids wrong you.  Love them anyway.
  2. Your husband’s ex has told lies about you and damaged your character.  Sadly this happens.  It’s like being hit by a ton of bricks.  It’s unfair yet it happens all too often. It’s upsetting.  I figure there are two choices here.  Become the bitter, ugly, unqualified parent the ex might say that you are, or hold your head up high, behave  gracefully in the face of adversity and let your true character shine.  People will eventually see your true character.  Love them anyway.
  3. Your’e not a real parent (and you’ve probably been told so).  News flash:  things like packing lunches, cleaning someone else’s kids soiled sheets after an accident, doing laundry, putting bandaids on, driving kids to and from school, cooking meals and listening to a teenager’s heartaches makes you a real parent.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not a real parent.  Love them anyway.
  4. Your stepkid is not nice to you.  Again,  I say, talk to any bio parent.  They will tell you that kids are not nice.  Ok sometimes they are, but a lot of the time they aren’t.   Like the times when they tantrum at Disneyland (not always the happiest place on Earth, is it?), or when they treat you disrespectfully in front of their teenage friends, or when they open a birthday present and exclaims it’s not what they wanted.  Parenting is not contingent on a child’s behavior.  Kids don’t have to earn appropriate parenting.  They should just get it because it’s the right thing for parents to do.  As my husband often reminds me “You’re the grown up here.”  (oh, yeah…thanks for the reminder, seriously I sometimes need that).  Parents don’t just parent “good kids”, they parent disobedient, unkind, not-so-fun-to-be-around kids too.  By providing solid parenting even in tough situations you are growing this kid up into a healthy person (who will be nicer some day).  Love them anyway.
  5. I have to protect myself,  I have to think of myself first.  Self-preservation, I hear you, a natural tendancy.  But yet the Bible says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  (Philippine 2:3-4 NIV).  Huh, put the interests of others above my own?  Value others (like your step kids) above yourself?   Yep, we’re told this straight from God.  Love them anyway.
  6. There’s nothing in this for me, it’s a thankless job.  Yep, parenting is pretty much a thankless job until your kids are 40, or so I hear.  Kids don’t say thanks for limits, curfews, and having to eat brussel sprouts.  But when they’re older they will thank you. (Like that kid of mine still begging me for cheese balls for breakfast).  No lie, parenting and stepparenting is hard work, it’s a constant selfless sacrifice.  Love them anyway. 
  7.  I’m exhausted from trying.  God provides peace and strength unlike anything in this world.  Seek Him.  God tell us in Isaiah 40:31 (NIV), “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  Be still and let Him help.  Love them anyway.
  8. What I do doesn’t matter.  Over the course of my career, I have had the opportunity to be involved in many big “important” business matters with very profitable dollar signs attached (feeding someone else’s pockets, not mine, mind you).   But I will never forget what happened one day at work, early in my career.  I was on a phone queue, picked up a call from a customer, handled business as usual.  Yay me, job well done, right?  However, before we hung up the call, the customer quietly and slowly said “Thank you for being nice to me today…no one has been nice to me today.”  In that moment I knew that we can spend our time running around doing “important” things, but there’s nothing so impactful as being nice to a human being.  What you do does matter.  Love them anyway.
  9. My step kids are my husband’s responsibility, not mine.  You could look at that way, sure.  But remember when you married your husband two became one.  The Bible does not say two become one, except in the hard things.  And you are powerful, and you can respect your husband in this journey.  Your words are powerful.  You can use those words to build your husband up.  You can use that same power of words well-chosen to build your step kids up, even when you’re hurting and even when you have been wronged.  God tell us in Proverbs 12: 18-20 (NIV), “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment. Deceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil, but those who promote peace have joy.”  Use your power for good, not evil, Stepmom.  Love them anyway.
  10. My stepkid doesn’t like me, why should I like or even love him?  Simple:  because God commands us to.  And I don’t know about you, but God is the boss of me.  I’m imperfect, I fail often, but I try to remember the commands my boss has given me.  In Matthew 5:43-44 (NIV) we are told, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”  Love them anyway.  

Stepmom are brave, amazing, tough, and admirable.   I firmly believe God has planted stepmoms right where they can impact and bless others.  You got this, Stepmama.  Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day 2016, Stepmom!

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Here we are again:  it’s Mother’s Day.  That day we honor moms but aren’t quite sure how to honor other women (or even if we should, should we?).  (Answer:  yes we should!)

We played a game in church today.  Mothers were picked at random and asked to announce in front of the whole congregation how many kids they had.  Mind you, not only was this in front of the huge congregation, it was also broadcast live online with thousands in attendance.  My anxiety crept in.  We had chosen to sit in the middle of a long row, so hopefully that made it too hard for the TV camera and host to get to me.  They would pick women who sat on the end of a row, right?  But, if they pick me what will I say?  Maybe I would accidentally blurt out “why did you pick me?  this day is awkward enough, now thousands can see how awkward I feel?  Thanks!”   Or would I simply answer the  question about how many kids I have?  But wait, maybe that’s not so simple.  Would I say “I have two biological children.”  or  “I have two bio kids and three stepkids.”  Would my first answer offend my stepchild sitting in the pew with us?  Or would my second answer hurt her?  I pray in church…and today my prayer was “Lord, please don’t let them pick me!”  Thankfully they didn’t.  Dodged that bullet!  And another huge thanks:  we mothers didn’t have to stand up and be applauded.  Thankfully churches seem to understand how uncomfortable that is and have stopped.  (I mean, in that split second when they ask all mothers to stand you have to weigh:  am I a mother?  a mother-to-be? a stepmom (does that count?), who am I and am I good enough to stand?!?!  Or feel embarrassed, ashamed and hurt that one has not been able to have a child, has lost a child, is enduring difficult stepmom situations, or has lost a mom.  I certainly remember many Mother’s Days sitting in church with tears in my eyes because I was childless and not married yet, then when I was married but didn’t have children, then when I was re-married with stepkids not bio kids.

The truth is, Mother’s Day can get complicated.  Maybe that’s because mothers come in many shapes and sizes.  Moms don’t just come from the traditional bio-mom mold.

As Ruth demonstrated beautifully and faithfully, sometimes our family isn’t exactly who we anticipated it would be.  “Your people will be my people.”  (See Ruth 1:16).

Whatever kind of mom you are…you should be celebrated for the impact you have on a child’s life.  Whether you’re a mom who has a loud publicly acknowledged impact or a quiet supportive later-to-be-appreciated impact.  Whether you’re blood related or not. And don’t give up if you’re not quite there yet.  It’s a journey for all moms.  God tell us in Galatians 6:9 (NIV)  “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

I should run now.  I have to go cook with the beautiful pot holder my 3 year old colored for me, in the kitchen with the sorta-sorry-looking green and red flowers my kiddo picked out for me (yes green and red, but bless her little heart she insisted those were the perfect ones for mommy so I absolutely love them).  And you know why else I love those flowers?    Because my step kiddo took my bio kid to the store to get them.  And after 6 years in this blended family no one knew my favorite candy bar until yesterday and today my stepdaughter went out to buy me two.  Gotta go relish those.

Today I’m thankful for all the kinds of moms out there and for the blessings that come with that role. (and that I didn’t get called on in church!)

What are you thankful for?

 

 

 

 

Happy Mother’s Day, Stepmom!

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Today is Mother’s Day, so I’m thinking about the women I love and admire.  Thinking of my friends who have lost their mothers; friends who have biological children; friends who are not able to have children; those who have lost children; friends who are pregnant; friends who have fostered and those who have adopted.  My heart aches for some because they are experiencing such deep grief.  I celebrate others as they are having great days with their children or happily expecting a baby.

And I think of stepmoms.  I so admire stepmoms.  It takes a special person to love someone else’s child.  Especially if the love is not returned.

So if you’re a stepmom who parents someone else’s child 50% of the time, 100% of the time, two weekends a month, or just in the summers, here’s to you.  Maybe you’re a stepmom with so much parental alienation going on or so much conflict, that you rarely see your stepchild(ren).  Whether you show love on a daily basis (cooking, cleaning, packing lunches, doing laundry, being the taxi cab, saying encouraging words, speaking the truth in love) or if you don’t have the opportunity for tangible things but instead, you have a special place for your stepchild in your heart where you keep hopes, dreams, and prayers for him…either way, you are an amazing example of God’s love.

1 Corinthians 16:14 (NIV)  Do everything in love.

Happy Mother’s Day, Stepmom.